"WHY THE F**K WAS I ARRESTED?" AKA, 5 ways that will help you to not utter these words after a night of "milk and cookies".
If you are anywhere between the ages of 18-25 (prime lit stage, aka college years), I'm more than sure that 99% of you have gotten blackout drunk, and woken up the next morning like "what that actual hell did I do last night???" Well, hopefully, you didn't end up in the drunk tank and have to walk yourself an infinite amount of miles back to civilisation. In an effort to keep this from happening, here are some pointers to keep you from going to jail.
1. DON'T DRIVE DRUNK, YOU IDIOT
Yeah, just don't do it. It's a bad move, and you'll end up in the back of a cop car quicker than you can say "but I hafent much that drank, officer!" In all seriousness, though, don't do it. I don't care if you've only had one beer or twenty. That one beer/drink is just enough to trip a breathalyser if you get tested within a half-hour of that last sip. That one beer is enough to get you thrown in jail for an OVI if you get into a fender-bender on the way home, even if it wasn't your fault. Oh, and did I mention all of the court dates, court costs, fines, possible jail time, loss of your license, and car insurance hikes? If none of that deters you, then how about this... you could kill someone, yourself, or both. That shit is permanent. We all only have one life. It's not like GTA... there are no do-overs if you die, and you won't get out of jail the next day after you mow over 25 citizens on the sidewalk (just to paint a mildly grotesque mental image). If you honestly don't think you can stop yourself from driving home drunk, then take your house key off of your keyring, and lock your keys in the trunk (AAA is free, an OVI is not). There! Now you'll be forced to get a cab, or have someone *sober* (keyword, sober) drive you home! Also, don't let someone that is also drunk, drive you home. You might not be able to stop them from driving themselves, but DON'T get into that car.
2. Stop drinking about an hour before you leave (where ever you are)
Granted, if you're already trashed, this little tip won't help you out at all. So why not consider just staying where you are if it's safe (why are you there if it isn't safe) or calling a cab? The 5$ you spend on a cab is a helluva lot cheaper than a ticket, or a public intoxication charge.
However, if you have been being responsible the whole night, (aka pacing yourself, drinking water, not chugging drinks), then this applies to you. About 50-60 minutes before you leave, give yourself some time to throw back a few more waters, say your goodbyes and gather your friends. Horray! You probably won't get arrested now. However, if you do get caught...
3. Stay Calm!
If you and your group of friends are walking down the street after a good night out and you trip and fall flat on your face in front of a cop, guess what!? You're going to get stopped. The first thing you need to do is to stay calm. If you aren't that drunk and are still relatively cognizant, just go along with the cop! If you are respectful throughout the encounter and calmly explain yourself (aka; I tripped, sorry officer), they'll probably just tell you to be careful, and let you go on your merry way. Whatever you do, don't harass the cop! That's a bad idea, no matter how drunk or sober you are.
Bouncing off of that...
4. Know your rights!
This may be the most important thing on this list. You need to know your rights as a citizen, whether it's getting stopped in a car (in general, again, DON'T drink and drive), stopped on the street or anything else. There are some helpful websites and articles that are a quick google search away, that will tell you exactly what your rights are, and how (and when) to use them. However, if you're too lazy, here's a link for you. http://bfy.tw/AqPz
Enjoy.
5. Know your own personal limits
You know that one guy/gal at parties that always ends up looking like this?
1. DON'T DRIVE DRUNK, YOU IDIOT
Yeah, just don't do it. It's a bad move, and you'll end up in the back of a cop car quicker than you can say "but I hafent much that drank, officer!" In all seriousness, though, don't do it. I don't care if you've only had one beer or twenty. That one beer/drink is just enough to trip a breathalyser if you get tested within a half-hour of that last sip. That one beer is enough to get you thrown in jail for an OVI if you get into a fender-bender on the way home, even if it wasn't your fault. Oh, and did I mention all of the court dates, court costs, fines, possible jail time, loss of your license, and car insurance hikes? If none of that deters you, then how about this... you could kill someone, yourself, or both. That shit is permanent. We all only have one life. It's not like GTA... there are no do-overs if you die, and you won't get out of jail the next day after you mow over 25 citizens on the sidewalk (just to paint a mildly grotesque mental image). If you honestly don't think you can stop yourself from driving home drunk, then take your house key off of your keyring, and lock your keys in the trunk (AAA is free, an OVI is not). There! Now you'll be forced to get a cab, or have someone *sober* (keyword, sober) drive you home! Also, don't let someone that is also drunk, drive you home. You might not be able to stop them from driving themselves, but DON'T get into that car.
2. Stop drinking about an hour before you leave (where ever you are)
Granted, if you're already trashed, this little tip won't help you out at all. So why not consider just staying where you are if it's safe (why are you there if it isn't safe) or calling a cab? The 5$ you spend on a cab is a helluva lot cheaper than a ticket, or a public intoxication charge.
On second thought... just grab that cab.
3. Stay Calm!
If you and your group of friends are walking down the street after a good night out and you trip and fall flat on your face in front of a cop, guess what!? You're going to get stopped. The first thing you need to do is to stay calm. If you aren't that drunk and are still relatively cognizant, just go along with the cop! If you are respectful throughout the encounter and calmly explain yourself (aka; I tripped, sorry officer), they'll probably just tell you to be careful, and let you go on your merry way. Whatever you do, don't harass the cop! That's a bad idea, no matter how drunk or sober you are.
Probably shouldn't use this guy as a role model.
Also, terrible grammar. 10/10 would arrest.
Also, terrible grammar. 10/10 would arrest.
Bouncing off of that...
4. Know your rights!
This may be the most important thing on this list. You need to know your rights as a citizen, whether it's getting stopped in a car (in general, again, DON'T drink and drive), stopped on the street or anything else. There are some helpful websites and articles that are a quick google search away, that will tell you exactly what your rights are, and how (and when) to use them. However, if you're too lazy, here's a link for you. http://bfy.tw/AqPz
Enjoy.
5. Know your own personal limits
You know that one guy/gal at parties that always ends up looking like this?
One-quarter teaspoon of that dumb dab dance, a pinch of falling
everywhere, a bit of flying beer cans, and a gallon of booze. Stir.
everywhere, a bit of flying beer cans, and a gallon of booze. Stir.
Yeah, that person probably doesn't know when to stop/ignores the little "OH GOD PLEASE STOP" voice in the back of most sane people's minds when you approach that point of no return into sloppy-drunkness. Try this the next time you drink. For every drink that you have, drink a glass of water or some other non-alcoholic drink per every cup of booze. What will happen, you ask? Well for starters, your six pack will last a lot longer. Secondly, since you are forcing yourself to space out your alcohol, you'll get less drunk over a longer period of time, while still drinking that six pack. All you did was allow your body to begin processing that first drink before you started the second (if you waited around 40 minutes). At any rate, you'll feel better the next day due to being hydrated. Also, just don't be the guy/gal who absolutely *has* to be the life of the party. It's not as funny as you think. TL;DR: Take it slow, have fun, don't get to the point of not being able to stand.
Okay. Well, I'm sure there are many more things that I didn't put in here, but give me a break. I've been deadly ill the past few days and I'm tired. However, I really, sincerely hope that you, dear reader, have learned something from this half comedic, half actually serious listicle thingy (I only did this because it's the only thing us millennials pay attention to anymore. Thanks, Buzzfeed). Don't worry, this is only the first of many articles, blog posts and info you will be seeing from this page. Very many.
-Brady R
Helpful resources
Carbonated drinks and alcohol absorption:
Your rights during police encounters:
- Flex your rights official website, lots of useful information
- Official Americal Civil Liberties Union web page
Drinking and driving facts, laws and statistics:
- NCADD facts about drinking and driving
- The CDC's official web page with state info sheets about drunk driving
- Ohio OVI/OMVI laws
- Know your limits: Steps to stop yourself from binging, Drinking Myths and facts
Questions? Comments? Concerns? Wanna tell the writer that he's a complete knob and doesn't know what he's talking about? Leave it in the comments!
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